NOTE- this article is fictional. just a little inspiration has been taken from a real incidence. in the rest of it i’ve just tried to amuse you people. do let me know if i was successful. 
STATUTORY WARNING-this article may contain some content which might be unappropriate for some readers. *********MINORS KINDLY STAY AWAY********** even girls might want to stay away. lastly—READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!
SATURDAY NIGHT!!
Saturday night!! the most awaited time of a week in delhi. its the time when all the young bloods get out on the streets, gets in into the bars, pubs, discs and room no. 64 ofcourse [sorry if u dont have any knowledge about it 
], gets down and finally when they get up they realize they are actually fucked up.
Sometimes a single analogy is not enough to describe something as special as the saturday night. so here comes the second one. saturday night is like when you see a hot chick walking on a deserted road and under the effect of lechery you approach her from behind and as soon as she turns back you realize that she is .. or well he is…oh well fuck it!! IT is an eunuch, u just try to run away but you find yourself strangled in the powerful arms of that gargoyle. in just one word DECEPTIVE!!
i personally believe that all this hype about Saturday night is created by the workers of the night, well not a metaphor for prostitutes, by this i mean THE DELHI POLICE!! you must have surely heard about these creatures but in case you havn’t, let me tell you that delhi police is a special breed, well a hybrid of owls and humans- they look like humans but all the other traits have been inherited from the owls. sometimes i ruminate over this….How would have they made it possible?? Well mating ofcourse!! i’m not that dumb! but i just cant help myself pondering over what would have been the actual scene when a male owl with its pencil penis[the one which had been shortened by sharpening again and again by a nursery kid] would have fucked a sexy indian cunt! would he have been able to satisfy her? if not then whether she is still satisfied? if not then whether she needs someone? should i help her out?? everytime i think about all this i’m startled by the memories of that night. yes, they still haunt me!!
as always girls are the roots of alll problems.and so it started that night.my girlfriend was in full mood that night. well not that mood. i havn’t been lucky enough! she called me up at 12 and it went somewhat like this…
ME- hi sweetheart!
GF- bham bho bhu bhad bha bha bha..
ME- easy baby! what’s the problem this time? ?
GF- you don’t love me anymore! i called you up so many times today but you don’t even care to answer my call.
ME- oh!! the same problem!!
GF- whaaaaat dooo you mean by thatttt???
ME- oh sorry dahling! emotional overflow!
GF- how dareeee you? we are done!! ba-bye!
welll i’ve always had problems with this emotional overflow thing and the memories go back to the day i was born. i remember the time when i got bored with the drab surroundings of my mother’s womb and was all set to come into this novel world. but my first experience of this world was terrible. the legend has it that due to this emotional overflow thing i tit fucked the nurse who held me upside down for entire one minute as soon as i came into this world.well i was me! and so she had to pay the price.
now getting back to the telephone conversation, i was very dejected after that. or well i should say that i just had to show that i was dejected and so i decided to go out, get a quarter of OLD MONK and post some devdas like pics over facebook.the trick always worked. not that she cared about what i was doing but it was just that she too wanted that old monk and once she has him in her hands i bet she can seduce the oldest monk over this earth.
now that i was going out i decided to have some fun before the photo- session and so i went on a road trip to india gate along with two of my roommates. lets call them fatass and dumbass [you'll soon get to know why ]. we just made one mistake! there were three asses on just one bike- my ass, fatass and dumbass. the trap was set. we were the prey and the hunters had been hovering all over the city.
there was no impediment in the journey. i guess it was too early for the hunters to come out. we spent about an hour catching the private glances of some couples doing…..you know what. well that’s the only memorable memory of that night. by 2 o’clock the asses were back on the bike and were all set to leave.we were at the india gate crossing when the bait of this trap crossed our way, which happened to be a hot nubile blonde, emerging from the sun roof of a brand new mercedes SLS-AMG. — a beauty riding a beauty! my dream car, a sexy blonde and fatass, well he was pinching me continously, were enough to make me accelerate behind those beauties.meanwhile fatasss and dumbass sung “damn shez a sexy bitch”, loud enough for the hunters to hear.
i had only begun our pursuit when i heard a siren. i checked the rear view mirror and saw an ambulance. acting like a responsbile citizen i slowed down my bike. but i had no idea that a uniformed hunter would mount a pistol right at my face and shout- “stop there motherfucker! or else i’m gonna shoot you”. well you know i wasn’t afraid, but again acting like a responsible citizen i applied the brakes. the ambulance stopped right in front of us and four hunters came running towards us. one snatched the bike key and other three held each one of us.
no one spoke anything for few minutes. we could’nt understand what was going on. i could see something was going on in dumbass’ mind. we could just hear someone in the ambulance murmuring something over the wireless. then a police jeep arrived, then another and then one more. i could see the growing uneasiness on dumbass’ face and then the bubble bursted. living upto his reputation he shouted-” but what the hell did we doooooooo????” a hunter looked into his eyes as though he asked for his entire stock of huntings. then for the next five minutes hunter kept misssing dumbass’ family members- mother, sister and even his imaginary daughter and finally concluded his speech by- “three people, speeding and performing stunts and still this motherfucker wants to know what the hell happened!”. three people- fine.. speeding- fine.. but stunts?? when did we do that??
being the paterfamilias i sensed the responsibility to do something. i tried buttering a hunter but he was in no mood to let go his prey. and then arrived the cheiftain! a heavily built, tall man with a long moustache and must have weighed easily over a hundred kgs. he arrived on his yellow bullet whose noise felt like the beating of the drums to welcome him. he looked exactly like a thug from some south indian movie- tall and dark , with a bulging stomach and red eyes. now fatass living upto his reputation startd pleading in front of that thug but a slap was enough to make him shut his mouth.
then the thug ordered to put us in the jeep and take us to the police station. i felt like Kasab! or even worse! atleast he had a hell lot of fun in that five star hotel [ well that's only his definition of fun], before the hunters could finally reach him.but here we could not have just any sort of fun. if it was for not wearing helmets then they could just charge us a hundred or two hundred bucks or whatever it takes, but why did they have to take us to the police station?? i guess two hundred has become too less for these louch loathsome loons [yes i alliterate when i'm angry 
].
next a chargesheet was filed against my name , the case went to the court and i was pleaded guilty under five sections of indian penal court and had to pay a fine of 2000 bucks.wow! i feel like a criminal! i envy kasab. even after all the fun he had , millions of rupees are being spent to give him a safe and a healthy environment. not to mention all the publicity he is getting. i bet big boss will offer him atleast 50 crores to come to his house once he gets released[which seem very likely to happen really soon]. after all he is the second most famous person in india right now, obviously after Sunny Leone.
—Ashutosh Bhardwaj
© copyright 2011
